I have an obsession with people watching at my gym. I have a membership at Planet Fitness, which to those that don’t know is the home of Free Pizza Fridays and Bagel Mondays. It seemed odd to me that a health and wellness establishment gives out these kinds of obesity delights, but when I really thought about it I guess it is kind of genius. Planet Fitness’ official motto is “home of the judgement-free zone,” but I bet in the seedy gym underground it is actually “keep ’em fat and wobblin’ back.” I imagine a ruthless head honcho, possibly bald with an eye patch, laughing maniacally and shouting, “More pizza! More pizza for the fatties!” as he slowly strokes the hairless cat sitting on his lap.
But back to the people watching. Planet Fitness’ no judgement mantra and “lunk-free zone” signs (sorry, lunks) seem to attract the most novice of gym-goers. Now, I am no gym aficionado, as I’ve only had a handful of gym memberships. In this scenario, let’s say a handful equals 2. Excluding numerous hotel gyms, my inexperience with real gyms has still provided me the proper etiquette in the gym. I’d like to point out some common do’s and don’t’s:
DO – RETURN THE WEIGHTS TO THEIR PROPER PLACE
It’s not a hard concept to grasp, as long as you can match your numbers. For example, those 15lb weights go back on the rack where it says “15.” The only excuse I could think of for not doing this is maybe the person can’t read. And being the judgement-free zone, I guess I can’t judge you for your illiteracy.
DON’T – PERFORM YOUR ENTIRE WORKOUT IN FRONT OF THE WEIGHT RACK
It’s probably not the best idea to do side lunges in front of 5lb through 50lb weights. People will give you stank face and tsk at you for being in their way, but will not actually say anything to you. Maybe they will just blog about it. Passive aggression rules.
DO – WEAR PROPER ATTIRE
This excludes sandals; jeans; jorts; skorts; men’s booty shorts; reflective, neon tops; wife beaters with yellow stains; and anything with fur.
DO – PUT YOUR BELONGINGS IN A LOCKER
Every day that I go to my gym, there is a woman who always carries around her purse, jug of Gatorade and one of those coats with the fur around the edges while working out. She’ll hang it on the pull-up bar, sling it over a weight bench, or drape it upon herself while doing lunges. I feel like maybe she doesn’t know about the locker room? I desperately want to tell her about this wonderful, smelly, woman cave that houses tiny closets for anything you can dream of bringing to the gym.
DON’T – FART
This is self-explanatory. Most of the equipment already smells kind of farty and it doesn’t need your help. Farts are for your snuggy to be filled with.
DON’T – BLEED ON THE WEIGHT FLOOR
One gym visit, I was doing my workout and possibly daydreaming about the virtues of having a sugar daddy, when this pathetic sack of turd starting spewing nose blood all over the floor. It was like a crime scene.
OK, maybe this was me, committing my daily embarrassment. But that doesn’t make it right. I told the nearest fitness attendant that worked there what had transpired before darting into the locker room. He brought me a band-aid. I wanted to clamp my nostrils shut to show how silly this was, but luckily I managed some self-control.
I have just touched on a few hot-button issues here, but know the list is vast. I say hot-button because I am sure these issues are just as important to you, right up there with your next state senator or whatever.
Delicious Ambiguity 